letting go...

the last two weeks have been pretty crazy, with finishing up projects and studying for finals (i only have 2) and finishing up KXA-related stuff. i've been reminded on more than one occasion that moving on is a hard, but amazingly wonderful thing. for the last year and a half, my life has been one of eating, sleeping, and breathing KXA. while i have loved (almost) every minute of it, it has been good to go through the "letting go" process over the last couple of weeks. it is a bittersweet time, just like sarah told me it would be. i have loved serving and leading, but i am ready for someone else to be the one to answer everyone's questions and fix everyone's problems. i'm ready for someone else to deal with all of the griping and complaining. i'm ready for someone else to have to the joy of leading this groupw of amazing young women. i'm ready to have true friends again. i'm ready to be involved in what i want to be involved in instead of always feeling pressured to do everything. i'm ready to figure out what is next for me.

i know it's not going to be easy, completely letting go that is. i know that over Christmas break i am going to have to do a lot of soul searching and asking God to give me a pure heart. i know i will have a tendency to be jealous and envious. but, i will get through it. i will move on. i will have true friends again. i will be involved in other things. i will let go. God, help me let go.

Thanksgiving

I've started writing this post several times about my break, but I can't seem to make up my mind about what I want to post.

So, I'll just say that my Thanksgiving was good. I got to see my nephews and I got to do some really fun stuff. I got to go to church on Sunday and it was fantabulous. I thought alot about what is next for me after May 17, 2008 and whether or not that includes Livingston and CBC.

I guess what I'm asking of you is to pray for me. Pray that I'll make the right decisions about my future. Pray that I'll be committed to my new way of living (eating better, exercising more, getting up earlier to have time with God).

Things I am especially thankful for at this time of the year:
-my family
-my relationships with my mom and dad
-CBC
-best friends

Freedom

From Merriam-Webster:
Freedom: 1: the quality or state of being free: as a: the absence of necessity, coercion, or constraint in choice or action b: liberation from slavery or restraint or from the power of another : independence
Free: 3 a: relieved from or lacking something and especially something unpleasant or burdensome often used in combination b: not bound, confined, or detained by force

This morning as I was walking to work I was listening to my ipod, my California playlist of course because it starts the day off right. The song "I am Free" by the Newsboys came on about halfway through my walk to the School of Education. I was reminded of the freedom that I experienced this summer-freedom from school, freedom from KXA, freedom from all of the "stuff" that is going on in my family, freedom from bitterness that I have been holding on to since high school. I was reminded that I literaly laid all of that stuff down at the foot of the cross this summer but that ever so slowly I have begun to take those things back on, that I have begun to wrap myself up in those chains again. The last couple of weeks have been extremely frustrating and hard and I've cried a lot and I've been upset a lot and I have wondered many, many times why I ever came to Baylor and made the decisions I made. Next week is Thanksgiving and I'll be going home for almost an entire week. (which is more time than I've spent with my family at one time in 6 months) I know that it will be easy to get wrapped up in everything that is going on in Livingston, all of the family drama, all of the bitterness and anger that wraps me up when I go home sometimes, and everything else.

But, this morning I had a revelation. I need to walk in freedom every single day. I have to quit putting those chains back on. I have to quit stressing myself out because I am putting those chains on. This summer and the beginning of this semester were absolutely incredible---I was able to enjoy myself and enjoy life and walk in freedom every day. I was close to God and loved it. Today I take those chains off again.

Sorry for the semi-depressing blog today...it's been on my heart all day. More exciting things are to come...:)

Happy Thanksgiving!

And now...for some lyrics...

Newsboys - I Am Free
Through you the blind will see
Through you the mute will sing
Through you the dead will rise
Through you our hearts will praise
Through you the darkness flees
Through you my heart screams
I am free
I am free

I am free to run(I am free to run)
I am free to dance(I am free to dance)
I am free to live for you(I am free to live for you)
I am free(I am free)
Yes, I am free(I am free)

Through you the blind will see
Through you the mute will sing
Through you the dead will rise
Through you our hearts will praise
Through you the darkness flees
Through you my heart screams
I am free
I am free
Are you free?
I am free

Augustana-Boston
In the light of the sun, is there anyone?
Oh it has begun
Oh dear you look so lost,
Eyes are red and tears are shed,
This world you must've crossed,
You said

You don't know me,
You don't even care, oh yeah
She said
You don't know me,
You don't wear my chains,oh yeah

Essential yet appealed,
Carry all your thoughts across
An open field,
When flowers gaze at you
They're not the only ones who cry
When they see you
You said

You don't know me,
You don't even care, oh yeah
She said
You don't know me
And you don't wear my chains, oh yeah

She said I think I'll go to Boston
I think I'll start a new life
I think I'll start it over
Where no one knows my name
I'll get out of California
I'm tired of the weather
I think I'll get a lover and fly em out to Spain
I think I'll go to Boston
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town
to leave this all behind
I think I need a sunrise
I'm tired of the sunset
I hear it's nice in the Summer
Some snow would be nice, oh yeah,

You don't know me, you don't even care...
Boston
Where no one knows my name
Where no one knows my name
Where no one knows my name
Yeah Boston
Where no one knows my name.

My First...

I decided this weekend that I really enjoyed blogging this summer and that it's a great way for people to be able to keep up with what's going on in each other's lives, so here I am again.

Let's see...what's new with me?

I am graduating in less than 200 days! YIKES! I am currently trying to decide what to do next---grad school, work, something else? I am waiting to hear back from Baylor School of Social Work about whether or not I got into the Master's of Social Work Program. Hopefully I will hear from them soon, but who knows. Over the last several weeks I have doubts that grad school is what I am supposed to do next year. I know that for what I eventually want to do (church social work), it's the best thing for me at this time, but I am beginning to wonder if God has something different in store. I was kind of offered a job somewhere this summer that I would LOVE to take, but because grad school starts in July, I don't think I'm going to be able to take it. I have some talking to do over Thanksgiving to see exactly what the job would entail so we'll see. I just hate being confused. When I came back from California, I was so clear about what I was going to do---go to grad school, do church social work, and someday move back to California. Now it's all muddy again. At any rate, I know that God will show me in His time...I just wish sometimes that He would hurry up.

In other news, my time as President of KXA is almost over. Only a couple of more weeks. It's definitely bittersweet. There are so many more things I would love to do, but I know that it's time to move on as well. Yay for change!!!! :)

Well, this is my first lame attempt to blog about my life...so stay tuned...hopefully it'll get more interesting...:)