Endings...

it's here...the end of college...i'm still not exactly sure how i feel about all of these things...but i decided to post anyway...so here goes for all 2 people out there that read this...

internship---i've done... i finished up my hours on thursday but i went back yesterday to get my evaluation signed and take care of some other paperwork. it was sad. i can't believe i have spent 480 hours there this year investing not only in the lives of clients, but also the lives of my coworkers other interns. i am going to miss walking into chaos and crisis every tuesday and thursday. my roommate is hoping that i won't create crisis in my life as a method of coping with this change.

KXA---senior send off was last night...i'm still here, but just barely. i never thought i would see the day when i was sad to leave because of all of the crap i had to deal with while i was the president and just drama in general, but i was truly sad to leave. most of my college memories have kxa in them and it will always be a part of my life because it has helped shaped who i am. i know that the friends that i made while in kxa will continue to be my friends (hopefully), but it will be difficult to know what to do with myself on tuesdays @ 6pm.

class---this one isn't sad. i'm so glad that it's over and the next time i'm in class it is because i have truly chosen to take those classes and they are something i am genuinely interested in. i am looking forward to not having to take math or science ever again...:)

undergrad in general---i've realized that saying "goodbye" is something that i am not good at AT ALL...i hate the emotional roller coaster that comes along with it...i know, i'm staying here to go to the grad school, but still, having to say goodbye for the summer is brutal...thank goodness i am going to be back in a few weeks...:)

i know that it will survive all of this, but it's been a little rough. i want to be able to celebrate everything that is going on and truly enjoy everything that is happening this week, but i find that hard to do. it's hard too because my friends are all dealing with this in really different ways and there aren't too many that are sad/sentimental about everything that is going on. but, i'm doing better every day...a little less sad, a little more happy...:)

a list...

so, i guess it's time for me to update this thing a little bit. there have been several times throughout the semester that i've considered writing, but i could never get a good grasp on what i wanted to write about or begin to try to put my thoughts and emotions about this being my last semester at school into words...

so instead of writing about what i'm doing or how i'm feeling, i thought i would start off with a list of things you might should know about me if you don't already know...i started it in my psychology of religion class today because i was bored and i've been thinking about some of these things a lot lately. there could probably be an entire post about each one of them...maybe someday i'll get around to that...so...here goes...:)

1) i complain about things that i really love. (Ex-my internship @ Child Protective Services...i complain about having to go twice a week, but in my heart i love it and i am going to miss it so much).

2) i am not very adventurous by nature, but i am learning how to be a little more each day.

3) i have an extreme love/hate relationship with my extended family.

4) i struggle with disclosing too much information about myself, especially with members of the opposite gender.

5) i may appear to think highly of myself, but i don't. sometimes i have self-esteem issues.

6) my nephews are the loves of my life. i will know when i have found "mr. right" because i will love him more than i love them.

7) i am not sure why, but large crisis events/situations are very interesting to me (Ex-El Dorado Polygamists situation, Branch Davidians, etc).

8) according to the StrengthsFinder, my strengths are Belief, Developer, Maximizer, Relator, Connectedness. i was originally a skeptic about whether those were my strengths, but now i believe it wholeheartedly.

9) i have a deep desire to change the world.

10) most of the time, i just need time to talk things through aloud with someone in order to make sense of something. i don't necessarily need anyone to talk back or give advice, i just need someone to listen to me ramble on and on until i can come to grips with something.

so there it is...10 things that you might not know about me that might be helpful...:) hope you enjoyed that...

now i hope that you will enjoy some pictures of my life from this semester...

@ my birthday party in January...

@ the Alpha Beta Acceptance Party with my super awesome roomie...

@ sing practice with the AWESOME kara bunting...

@ sing with my partners in crime...torrey and sally...

@ crush with one of my AWESOME great grandlittles caitlin

@ semi-formal with our stinking sweet DJ's

@ steppin' out with Aaron and Aaryka

Life right now...

be prepared for a really long post...

in all seriousness, i do have a lot to write about but i'm not sure i'm going to be able to get through all of it tonight...:) it will happen eventually...:)

so, i've been in l-town for the last 4 weeks hanging out on Christmas break. it's had its ups and downs, but overall it has been a good break. my nephews have been here two different times and we've had a lot of fun doing things like making santas with cotton ball beards, going to the farm, and playing guitar hero! :) the middle nephew loves guitar hero. while he is horrible at playing (he's only 3), he loves to dance around and play air guitar. it's been so much fun. i've also gotten to have lots of craft time with my mom. i made a little scrapbook for my summer missions partner and sent it to her. my mom got some cool new "toys" for Christmas so i've enjoyed getting to use those! :) i love being crafty which again confirms that i am my mother's daughter. :) my extended family has been crazy as ever over the break, but what's new? i wish we could go back to the days of them not being so crazy and the days when i didn't have to be so careful about what i said around who, but i know that will never happen. yay for family drama. i've been to two weddings and a wedding shower over the break as well. i'm kinda getting sick of being in this stage of life where everyone is getting married, but i know that there is no end in sight in the near future. oh well. they were both beautiful weddings and i'm really happy for the newly married couples, but it makes me wish i was going to my own at times. the wedding shower was a lot of fun. it was for one of my friends that's about 6 years older than me. she's been an incredible influence in my life as well as and amazing encouragement. i'm so excited that she's finally found "the one." i'm super excited about going to the wedding in february. now i just need to find a date...anyone have any suggestions? i refuse to go to another wedding alone.

now onto more serious stuff...

i have always struggled with contentment and the last few months have been no different. when i came home from california, i prayed that God would help me be content with where i was---back in texas, at baylor, finishing up college---because i really just wanted to be in california. anyway, i didn't do well with being content. i went through phases of life when i was just really unhappy with where i was and the person i was. my relationship with God was like a roller coaster and really unpredictable. i had days when i was really moody and a really bad friend. i dealt with the whole being back at baylor and in texas in a really crappy way. i was so discontent with myself and my life that i didn't even know what to do with myself at times.

anyway, this whole break my mom has been constantly badgering me about "what is wrong" and why i am not the same joyful person i was at one time. i denied that there was anything wrong until a little over a week ago, when i just could not take it anymore. the last week has been life-changing in many ways. God has really shown me the error of my ways and is putting me back on the road He wants me on. i know that all of my problems aren't solved, but i'm trying my hardest to be content and live in freedom. i'm really excited to see where God takes me and how He works in my life. yesterday's sermon at church was about being willing to be prepared for what God wants to do in our lives, in the life of our church, and in the life of our community. it was really challenging, especially with all that has gone on in the last week.

so, that's a little bit about what God has been doing in my life and what has been going on with me lately. please pray for me...that i will stay on this track and be content and that God will continue to work in my life in awesome ways....

It's Coming...

i haven't posted in a while...ok, almost a month...but i will...i promise...it's coming...but for now i will leave you with this...it's my new year's resolution of sorts...

For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light.

-Colossians 1:9-12

letting go...

the last two weeks have been pretty crazy, with finishing up projects and studying for finals (i only have 2) and finishing up KXA-related stuff. i've been reminded on more than one occasion that moving on is a hard, but amazingly wonderful thing. for the last year and a half, my life has been one of eating, sleeping, and breathing KXA. while i have loved (almost) every minute of it, it has been good to go through the "letting go" process over the last couple of weeks. it is a bittersweet time, just like sarah told me it would be. i have loved serving and leading, but i am ready for someone else to be the one to answer everyone's questions and fix everyone's problems. i'm ready for someone else to deal with all of the griping and complaining. i'm ready for someone else to have to the joy of leading this groupw of amazing young women. i'm ready to have true friends again. i'm ready to be involved in what i want to be involved in instead of always feeling pressured to do everything. i'm ready to figure out what is next for me.

i know it's not going to be easy, completely letting go that is. i know that over Christmas break i am going to have to do a lot of soul searching and asking God to give me a pure heart. i know i will have a tendency to be jealous and envious. but, i will get through it. i will move on. i will have true friends again. i will be involved in other things. i will let go. God, help me let go.

Thanksgiving

I've started writing this post several times about my break, but I can't seem to make up my mind about what I want to post.

So, I'll just say that my Thanksgiving was good. I got to see my nephews and I got to do some really fun stuff. I got to go to church on Sunday and it was fantabulous. I thought alot about what is next for me after May 17, 2008 and whether or not that includes Livingston and CBC.

I guess what I'm asking of you is to pray for me. Pray that I'll make the right decisions about my future. Pray that I'll be committed to my new way of living (eating better, exercising more, getting up earlier to have time with God).

Things I am especially thankful for at this time of the year:
-my family
-my relationships with my mom and dad
-CBC
-best friends

Freedom

From Merriam-Webster:
Freedom: 1: the quality or state of being free: as a: the absence of necessity, coercion, or constraint in choice or action b: liberation from slavery or restraint or from the power of another : independence
Free: 3 a: relieved from or lacking something and especially something unpleasant or burdensome often used in combination b: not bound, confined, or detained by force

This morning as I was walking to work I was listening to my ipod, my California playlist of course because it starts the day off right. The song "I am Free" by the Newsboys came on about halfway through my walk to the School of Education. I was reminded of the freedom that I experienced this summer-freedom from school, freedom from KXA, freedom from all of the "stuff" that is going on in my family, freedom from bitterness that I have been holding on to since high school. I was reminded that I literaly laid all of that stuff down at the foot of the cross this summer but that ever so slowly I have begun to take those things back on, that I have begun to wrap myself up in those chains again. The last couple of weeks have been extremely frustrating and hard and I've cried a lot and I've been upset a lot and I have wondered many, many times why I ever came to Baylor and made the decisions I made. Next week is Thanksgiving and I'll be going home for almost an entire week. (which is more time than I've spent with my family at one time in 6 months) I know that it will be easy to get wrapped up in everything that is going on in Livingston, all of the family drama, all of the bitterness and anger that wraps me up when I go home sometimes, and everything else.

But, this morning I had a revelation. I need to walk in freedom every single day. I have to quit putting those chains back on. I have to quit stressing myself out because I am putting those chains on. This summer and the beginning of this semester were absolutely incredible---I was able to enjoy myself and enjoy life and walk in freedom every day. I was close to God and loved it. Today I take those chains off again.

Sorry for the semi-depressing blog today...it's been on my heart all day. More exciting things are to come...:)

Happy Thanksgiving!

And now...for some lyrics...

Newsboys - I Am Free
Through you the blind will see
Through you the mute will sing
Through you the dead will rise
Through you our hearts will praise
Through you the darkness flees
Through you my heart screams
I am free
I am free

I am free to run(I am free to run)
I am free to dance(I am free to dance)
I am free to live for you(I am free to live for you)
I am free(I am free)
Yes, I am free(I am free)

Through you the blind will see
Through you the mute will sing
Through you the dead will rise
Through you our hearts will praise
Through you the darkness flees
Through you my heart screams
I am free
I am free
Are you free?
I am free

Augustana-Boston
In the light of the sun, is there anyone?
Oh it has begun
Oh dear you look so lost,
Eyes are red and tears are shed,
This world you must've crossed,
You said

You don't know me,
You don't even care, oh yeah
She said
You don't know me,
You don't wear my chains,oh yeah

Essential yet appealed,
Carry all your thoughts across
An open field,
When flowers gaze at you
They're not the only ones who cry
When they see you
You said

You don't know me,
You don't even care, oh yeah
She said
You don't know me
And you don't wear my chains, oh yeah

She said I think I'll go to Boston
I think I'll start a new life
I think I'll start it over
Where no one knows my name
I'll get out of California
I'm tired of the weather
I think I'll get a lover and fly em out to Spain
I think I'll go to Boston
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town
to leave this all behind
I think I need a sunrise
I'm tired of the sunset
I hear it's nice in the Summer
Some snow would be nice, oh yeah,

You don't know me, you don't even care...
Boston
Where no one knows my name
Where no one knows my name
Where no one knows my name
Yeah Boston
Where no one knows my name.